Through the looking glass.

From the outside it would appear everything was perfect and that nothing bad had ever taken place. But that's only because the damage isn't obvious to the naked eye. There are no scars on the outside. But it's what you can't see that has the most effect on someone's life. Physical wounds heal but emotional wounds are ones you carry throughout your life. Your past can be a gift or a curse. It's what you do with the information and determine is this going to be something I dwell on or am I going to overcome it and refuse to be a statistic.

"THE SYSTEM"

Only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold.
This small fraction of a verse in a song seems to reign so true to me right now. There are so many cold hearted people in this world with no remorse for their actions. So many individuals are hurting children in so many different ways. I could never even begin to describe the horrible ordeal I am in. I attend theses classes/therapy sessions weekly and the multiple cases that are present just in my immediate area is incredibly disturbing. The sick individuals that would dare to touch a child should be sentenced into an entirely worse kind of hell than any other individual. So many of these people are walking around because the system is constantly failing these children. The parents and children that are actually victims of these crimes look to the system to help them, the system then makes the parents or caregivers that are victims with these children feel like they have done something wrong. These individuals already feel like they have failed to protect their child, now they are made to feel like they let the situation happen to their child.

I just dont know anymore

It has been a very emotional rollercoaster for me in the past year. My insomnia has been horriable for me to even attempt to sleep. I am trying to focus on school and work and trying to spend time with my daughter. She is the most important person in my life, my inspiration. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. You always believe when you are growing up that if you are a good person and tell the truth, that life will go well for you. It makes me question everything that I was taught growing up. In todays time, the morals of almost some individuals are non-existant. This is incredibly annoying for me. It crushes me sometimes that everything has taken such a wrong turn to me. I question everything now.

So as usual, im questioning everything in my life. Will I ever be good enough for anyone? Am I always going to be the person that I am now? I pride myself in being a good mother, but all of the criticism I am receiving here lately, I feel like I am a failure in everything that I do. I am being torn apart and thrown in multiple directions. I dont enjoy feeling that I will never accomplish everything that I have to do. My world is my daughter. I do not need relationships with men to make me happy. I am an independent woman that wants to provide for myself and my child on my own. I know there will be some point in which i will crash and  need to rest, but i am going to try to avoid it as long as possible. I am doing everything to get by best friend back. The day that I get my little girl back home will be the best day for me. At that moment, everything will be perfect. I cannot wait for that day. To never have to hear her ask me why she cant come home again. I want to give her the best life possible. That is my goal, as long as I live

The world vs. me

So today I went to the rape crisis center for my group. I got to meet other parents that are going through the same thing that I am. It was interesting to find out that others were in my situation, at the same time it was heartbreaking. I cant see how so many children are being put through this and that the system is constantly failing our children. Why must the parents that want to help the child are looked at as a predator as well. So many of these offenders are walking around and hurting children, and the system is doing nothing about it. Why should they be given a second chance when they have changed someones life completely. These people have so much power, and they are expected to make a life changing decision after a very limited amount of visits. My child cant even be alone with me and I wasn't the one that did something wrong. All I did was report what my child told me. If this isn't what i'm supposed to be blogging about maybe I need to get a better understanding of the assignment. This is what is on my mind and this is the only thing that I can think about.

Why me?

I sit her thinking about the many things in my life. I have never blogged before but here goes nothing. I feel like my world is going to pieces. Sometimes I feel like I will be judged if I even breath wrong. I question everything that is going on in my life and I wonder what it is that I did so wrong to deserve all the bad that is happening to me. Trying to juggle everything at once was hard enough and then I am thrown this life changing curve ball. Who would have known that you could be seen as an offending parent for protecting your child and reporting sexual abuse. This is something that I will never understand. So here I am, a 24-year-old single mother, fighting for my child and trying to make everything alright again. It just seems like every time I have taken a step forward, they push me ten steps back. How can they expect me to go to college, work, see my daughter, and take classes that they are requiring? I guess these are questions that will never be answered.